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About a year ago... my postpartum bliss had subsided and the postpartum blues began. I was recovering from an unmedicated, vaginal homebirth and navigating the dance of breastfeeding for the first time. I lost touch with who I was, I struggled to feed myself, decisions felt Impossible, intrusive thoughts creeped in and I couldn't think clearly. I longed for my old life back and yet was relishing in the literal newborn joy. I began to question and doubt everything. I felt angry, confused and alone. I wrote a little something I titled, "What they don't tell you" - an ode to what I uncovered in the beginning weeks of becoming a Mother. This feels raw to share but it also feels necessary - for those who can relate. I promise, it gets better.
What they don’t tell you
How powerful you are
How capable you are
How you have everything you need in you to bring your baby Earthside
How much you bleed after (5.5 weeks for me)
How sore all over you’ll be
How clots the size of baby birds fall out of you
How much you’ll miss your partner even though you’re with them 24/7
How much you’ll sweat at night
How engorged your boobs will be
How your boobs tell you when to feed your baby and when you feed from one, the other leaks
How when you’re away from your baby for more than a minute you miss them
How much you’ll cry and feel and sense
How you’ll have to be fed for at least a week
And ask for help constantly
How eventually you’ll cook a meal with a baby on your boob
And go to the bathroom holding her
How bad of a friend you’ll feel to your mom friends for not showing up more before
How it takes a village is a real thing
How going to the bathroom is a 10-15 min escapade
How many diapers and pads you’ll need
How it hurts to sit for extended periods of time yet sitting is all you can do
How still you need to be yet long to move
How necessary the sun is for healing and mood
How every day feels the same but also entirely different
How people want to give you space but space is not what every mama needs
How coughing or sneezing for the first couple of weeks is a wildly painful experience
How you desperately want to get out of the house and then when you do, you can’t wait to get back home
How leaving the house takes at least an hour to prepare for
How many people will give you unsolicited advice
How many people will tell you to put your baby down because you’re spoiling them
How a trip to the grocery store excites you
How indecisive you’ll be and how often that makes you cry
How you’ll face your shadows like never before
How jarring a baby crying is to your nervous system
How tired yet rested you’ll feel
How you’ll be peed on more times than you can count
How you’ll wake up in a mix of your own breast milk, baby spit up and sweat
How your nipples are so sore for so long (6.5 weeks for me)
How all you’ll want to wear are granny panties
How often your family and friends will see your boobs
How you were not prepared for the witching hour (peaks at week 6)
How much you’ll cluster feed
How your baby never wants to be put down
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